WEIRD BEAUTY BUYS FOR BIPEDS

OH HEY LOOK, Kelly Bee is back! With STRANGENESS and DRAMA! Happy Wednesday! :D

I’m ashamed to admit I don’t treat all parts of my epidermis equally. I pamper my face with masks and toners and creams, but I don’t give anything below my décolletage the same attention. My body moisturizing routine could be described as “when I remember,” and I pay even less attention to my feet. Truthfully, I don’t like feet. I’m not sure if that’s a cliche or not, but I think they look weird and mine are always sweating. If my legs could end at the ankle and I could still manage to stand upright and walk, I’d be okay (#satyrlife). But I don’t neglect them either! They just get the bare minimum: soap, water, nail trims, and the occasional swipe of polish (although I let the pedi chip and gradually waste away until I’m left with tiny circles in the center of the toenail). Maybe once in a blue moon I treat myself to a salon pedicure, remember how much I hate the pumice part, and then not go again for 8-12 months. Not bad, right? I can adult, guys!

It’s getting warmer, I’m ready to shed my Doc Martens, and my heels are a little rough. You know what I’m talking about – that little crescent of rough white skin that circles the bottom edge of the heel. I’m going on vacation soon, and I know literally no one will notice my feet, but I can’t stop thinking about my damn heels. And I’m not feeling up to suffering through the pumice part of a salon pedicure (HELLA ticklish, that part of the pedi is my living nightmare). So I consulted my favorite place for cheap, quick-to-deliver solutions: Amazon! I’m sure by now you’ve heard of Baby Foot; it’s supposedly the gold standard of at-home foot peels. I have seen (and unfortunately cannot unsee) pictures of foot skin shedding like snakes, making way for brand new, smooth skin. But that shit is $35, and those pictures are gross. So I ordered The Face Shop Smile Foot Peeling Mask ($8.68 on Amazon right now, or $12 for a set of two pairs). Reviews of any non-Baby Foot peel have basically said “good but not as effective as Baby Foot.” Which… perfect! Baby Foot terrifies me. My hope was for a little shedding, enough to give my heels some TLC, but not so much that I want to vomit at the sight of my feet. Maybe one day I’ll try Baby Foot, but this felt like a good…Baby Step.

I’m not sorry.

BEHOLD.

On top of being tres chic, it’s super easy to use: there is one foot-shaped packet of peeling solution for each plastic bootie so you don’t need to play mad scientist. Just pour one pack in each, use the adhesive strip to tighten, and let your toesies soak for 60-90 minutes. The liquid feels cool, and scent is nice. I’m not a fan of fragrance usually, but it was subtle. I only wore the boots for 60-70 minutes because around then my feet felt a little burny. I rinsed off my feet in the tub with lukewarm water and then went about my life. Weirdly, for the rest of the day, my feet felt… hot? Not tingly like when you leave an acid on your face too long, that sensation went away when I washed off the treatment. My feet are usually very cold & clammy (I AM SO DESIRABLE HI), but they felt warm to the touch all evening.

SUCH FASHION VERY BALENCIAGA

Cute, right? Anyway, the internet said it would take about 4 days to see any skin peeling. So, dear reader, I kept a little foot diary for you. Join me on an adventure!

Captain’s Log, Day 2: Nothing. I curse the day I dropped $8 on this stupid peel. It has been widely documented that I am a complete sucker for the strange and unusual beauty buy; I’ve been relatively successful so far but perhaps this is my downfall. I recognize the instructions say it takes 4 days for peeling to start. I am resentful anyway.

Captain’s Log, Day 3: No peeling yet, but my heel feels marginally softer? Either that or I’m so desperate for results that I’m imagining softer skin. Considering hunting down Jeff Bezos.

Captain’s Log, Day 4: I see peeling! Mainly between my toes, which is a weird place to start. The instructions say not to peel so I will try to hold out. Heels are still rough-ish, and that’s 99% of the reason I did this stupid thing in the first place!

Captain’s Log, Day 5: My heels are a-peelin’! My restraint didn’t last long, I definitely started picking at the bits of shedding skin. It’s definitely doing what is says, though! My biggest complaint is that skin that starts to peel looks dirty immediately so I feel unhygienic. But it sheds quickly enough. Patience, young padawan.

Captain’s Log, Day 6: OH GOD IT WILL NEVER END. Now the tops of my feet are peeling, which… I guess I should have expected but I did not. I am molting. This is my life now, I am forever a lizard.

Captain’s Log, Day 7: Peeling has slowed; there are spots around the edge of my foot where there is a delineation between what has peeled and what has not. Will it go away? Or was this brought on by a couple bouts of excessive picking?

9 days later and my feet are largely done shedding. My heels are soft, I am no longer molting, so I’d argue it’s a success. I still hate feet and that’s not changing. I probably paid more attention to them than I normally would have, but I don’t think I regret doing the peel either. I think it’s a great pre-beach treat to give your toesies!

Also, a little pro tip that I discovered: soaking your feet speeds up the process. I noticed that anytime I got out of the shower, my feet seemed to have more peel-age, and soaking in the bath REALLY got that dead skin to start flaking off (I’m sorry if this is gross, if it’s any consolation I feel a little ill writing about this right now). So if you’re impatient or need results faster, def soak your feet!

Would you try a foot peel? Do you think feet are gross or is that just me? Do you love peeling sunburn?? VALIDATE MY QUIRKS.