Popsicle Lips Tutorial

Happy 4th of July! (And to all you non-Americans, Happy 4th of July still! Because it’s July 4th no matter where you are, and I hope you have a good one.)

Being the height of summertime and all, I thought it would be appropriate to do a “Popsicle Lips” tutorial. So without further ado….

FINCH’S FOURTH OF JULY POPSICLE LIP TUTORIAL

Step 1. Obtain popsicles.

 

I thought Bomb Pops would probably be gauche, seeing as how North Korea just successfully tested an ICBM.

This is an important step that cannot be overthought. Will you go with Blue Bunny’s Bomb Pops (the original tri-colored firework popsicle)? Nestle’s Rocket Pop? Popsicle’s Firecrackers?

I went with the Firecrackers, obviously (because that’s all the store had), but you could just as easily go with a non-rocket-style popsicle. I can tell you from many years’ worth of experience that the dirt-cheap double-stick popsicles work great, as do the 50-cent plain cherry singles the ice cream truck stocks for kids who can’t afford the $4.75 Spiderman-Head-With-Bubblegum. You might think that a higher-end product will get you better results, but this is a situation in which you should proceed with caution. The less likely a product is to contain Red Dye, the less likely it is to stain your lips.

The nice thing about popsicles is that they come in a wide range of colors; I’ve stuck with the classic red, but you could also get a nice tint from orange, purple, blue, banana, or even lime (YSL did it; why can’t you?).

Step 2. Unwrap popsicle.

Step 3. Eat popsicle.

Sucking the popsicle will get you a better stain than biting it. (But also — biting a popsicle? Are you MAD?) If you eat popsicles like a well-adjusted human being, the outside edge of your lips will not actually touch the popsicle (though they may get some residual juice). The majority of lip-to-popsicle contact will be your inner lip. This is good.

I swear if you ruin the pure childlike joy inherent to rocket pops by making a dirty joke, I’ll … I dunno what I’ll do, but you’re a MONSTER.

Step 4. Admire self in mirror.

Though the entirety of your lips might be slightly flushed from cold, and also from the fact that you just used your lips to eat a popsicle, the majority of the stain will be concentrated in the center of your lip.

But what if you don’t have access to popsicles for some reason? Like, if  you live in a totalitarian country that hates freedom and happiness and thus does not sell rocket pops?

Ugh fine here’s a tutorial with actual makeup. How dull.

FINCH’S FAKE POPSICLE LIP TUTORIAL

Step 1. Obtain lip stain.
Ideally, this will be an actual stain product, like the The Body Shop Cheek & Lip stain (the one I used). You can use a saturated lipstick in a pinch; you’ll just need to use a synthetic blending brush to diffuse the edges, and follow up by tapping on a glossy balm.

Step 2. Apply lip stain only to the inner edges of your lips.

“BUT WAIT,” you say. “I HAVE SEEN FIVE DOZEN POPSICLE LIP TUTORIALS AND THEY ALL START BY APPLYING CONCEALER OR FOUNDATION OR A LIGHTER LIP COLOR ALL OVER THE LIP”

First of all, congratulations on having seen so many popsicle lip tutorials! Unfortunately, I am sorry to inform you that they are counterfeit tutorials. Have you ever eaten a popsicle that applied concealer or lighter popsicle color to the edges of your lip? Neither have I. We’re going for a true popsicle stain, not some Korean beauty trend.

Sorry for the crappy photo; my lighting choices today were Blinding Sunlight, Pleasant Shade, Uneven Natural Light, or Horrific Dim Florescent Bulb.

Step 3. Using ring finger and working quickly, lightly tap the lip stain out towards the edges of your lips (but not actually touching the edge of your lips), blending as you go. With most stain products, this will create a seamless gradient from inner lips (darkest) to edges (lightest).

you can tell that I care about you because I went outside to try to find better lighting when it was obvious that the inside lighting was crap

Step 4. Decide whether the gradient is sufficiently dramatic. You may want to apply a touch more stain to the center of your lips at this point, blending outward again (but not as far out this time — keep it concentrated towards the middle).

Step 5. Take a moment to feel sad that you apparently live in a totalitarian country that hates happiness and thus does not sell rocket pops.

Step 6. Take a moment to admire the fact that despite your tragic lack of American Freedom (And Popsicles), you still managed to get a rockin’ popsicle-style lip look.

yet another lighting situation. I tried, y’all. I tried.

Fade-y lip stains, yea or nay? DISCUS.