Today in history, George Orwell’s 1984 was published. It’s also the birthday of both Tim Berners-Lee and Kanye West, and it’s World Brain Tumor Day, as designated by Deutsche Hirntumorhilfe e.V. Which, I think all that makes it a pretty good day for randomness, futurism, inappropriate fashion, and posting utter nonsense on the internets. LET’S ADVENTURE.
So a number of my friends and acquaintances have been saying the same thing every time I mention that it’s Shark Week : “Don’t you have a Diva Cup?” “Why don’t you have a Diva Cup?” “WTF, GET A DIVA CUP ALREADY.” “YOU NEED A DIVA CUP.” (Which is why this is filed to “Need It.”)
For the uninitiated (is there actually anyone left?), a Diva Cup is a smallish squishy receptacle, a little larger than a shot glass, which is inserted in place of a tampon. Its non-porous silicone construction means that (assuming you’ve got it inserted correctly) it won’t leak, and it can be worn for up to 12 hours and then emptied, washed, and replaced. Easy! Ecologically sound! Less waste! Convenient! OR SO THEY SAY.
I am not particularly squeamish about this sort of thing, really. But let’s be honest : that shit can get pretty nasty. The idea of cleaning and reinserting a rubber shot glass is slightly offputting to me, and I remain unenthusiastic about the prospect of wrestling a piece of tupperware into and back out of my hoo three times a day. But the Loud & Mighty Hordes have prevailed, and I have bandwagonned accordingly. Last week I did some research — i.e., I read a bunch of reviews for different products on Amazon — and ordered one of those little bastards. And lo, the Diva Cup is not alone! There’s also : Athena, Blossom, Luna (eyeroll), Lunette (no relation), Pixie Cup (even huger eyeroll, unless it’s a Dixie Cup pun in which case slowclap.gif), something called The Dutchess which I wouldn’t consider because that’s fucking not how you spell “duchess” you absolute fucking troglodytes, the Lena (Dunham? no thx), the Intimate Rose (what the actual bleeding fuck), the Vida, the Lily, and too many others to name. [Geeky side note : the term for one product’s proper name used as a generic term for all other similar products regardless of manufacturer is called a “proprietary eponym.” See also : kleenex, xerox, tupperware, etc.]
HOLY HELL WHICH ONE DO YOU PICK?
Apparently, successful use can be a trial-and-error affair, both in the initial product selection and in actually using the thing properly (there are three or four different ways to fold one for insertion; I plan to try the Origami Fold because it’s called the Origami Fold). These products are all of a roughly similar size and shape, but they do have differences : some are slightly firmer, some are squishier, some are larger or smaller, and so forth.
Since you can’t really easily “size” your vag like you would for jeans or shoes … well, like I say, trial and error. Some models come in two sizes, and your recommended size may be based on your age, whether or not you’ve had children, how deep you have to jam your hand in before you hit cervix, or any number of other considerations, possibly including the presence or absence of fairies and/or the number of days since the last solar eclipse. I got bored of reading oft-conflicting information, and bought a Blossom Cup, which reviews indicated was squishy but not TOO squishy; I purchased a large because while I’ve never had kids I am over 40 and I usually use larger tampons, so …. ? Oh okay fine, FULL DISCLOSURE : I bought a Blossom because it comes in Turquoise.
Now I have this weird rubbery thing, which came with a dust bag like a fancy purse, which in a way I guess it is? I’m expecting the next Communist Invasion in about a week or so, and am both anticipating/dreading the experience. I will, of course, report back on my success or lack thereof. But in the meantime, I still have a backup stash of tampons because what if I hate this thing? What if it’s horrible and frustrating and I can’t get it to work right? Then I’ve just blown like fifteen bucks! Unless I can find another use for it. Which I have of course already done.
AND SO, in the spirit of randomness, futurism, inappropriate fashion, and posting utter nonsense online :