Cup Update = CUPDATE

Last week, we talked about The Rubber Shot Glass For One’s Hoo, the different varieties thereof, and the fact that I’d finally broken down and purchased one (specifically, the Blossom cup, size large, in aqua blue). Despite my misgivings, I was determined to give this thing a fair trial — reusable! less waste! convenient! lasts up to twelve hours! I promised to provide an update after the first opportunity for use (aka the next regular monthly broadcast of Shark Week), which has since arrived. SO LET’S DISCUSS THIS. It’s going to get mildly, uh, graphic? Which is necessary because Journalism, and also comedy — but if you’re squeamish, be warned.

It looks so innocent.

From my initial reading of reviews, it sounded as though the one real “challenge” involved in using a cup would be proper insertion. You can’t just jam it up in there like a cork. You have to fold it, then jam it up in there, hope that it sproings back out into its proper shape, and twist/fiddle with it if it doesn’t. Okay, that seems doable. There’re three or four different ways to fold the thing, as illustrated in the little pamphlet that came with my cup. I would show you the pamphlet, but I threw it away because instructions are for sissies and I’m a MAN. No, wait, that’s not right. Anyway, I tossed it, but FINE, YES, I looked at it first. Though honestly if you just handed me the Rubber Shot Glass For One’s Hoo (hereafter the RSG) and told me to figure out a way to fold it to facilitate insertion, I mean…there aren’t that many possibilities and I probably would’ve figured most of them out on my own. I opted for the “origami fold” because I like origami. In this method, you mash one edge of the upper rim down so it hits about the center of the cup’s interior, and then pinch the two sides together. This yields a shape much like the beginning stages of an origami crane made by someone who has no fucking idea how to do origami.

Here’s where I brag : I got that motherfucker in and sproinged open correctly ON THE FIRST TRY. THAT’S RIGHT. BASK IN MY GLORY.

And then I waited.

Everyone’s cycle is different. Mine is like this :

First 6-8 hours.
Subsequent 36 hours.

So I gave it like eight hours or so, and then girded my loins (heh) for the removal process. Let’s not lie : it is unfun. The cup has a little ridged stem under an inch long, which I assumed was there for removal purposes. (You can trim the stem down a bit, which I did, since I could sometimes feel it poking me.) However, pulling on the stem didn’t seem to accomplish much. So I pulled harder. That accomplished a very unpleasant vacuum-seal sensation, and now I 10000% believe the commenter who said that one of these things sucked out her IUD. (Not that I was skeptical before, but now I’m like “SHIT YES I CAN BELIEVE IT SISTER.”) Okay so pulling the stem seems bad, and there’s heck of suction, how do I break the seal? So I tried sort of pinching the bottom of the cup. This seemed like it had potential, but maybe I need more of the same type of effect? So I jammed a finger up alongside the thing and basically mashed it flat.

Here’s where things get kinda unpleasant, and in two very different ways (apologies in advance) : 1) My manicure was about a week old. This means that the seven coats of polish had worn off the very tips of my nails, rendering them much thinner. And sharper. Also? They’re pretty long.* Not previously having spent a lot of time spelunking in there, it’s easy to forget that the surface is not smooth and taut like a hose. Oh no, it is very thin stretchy skin (or membrane, I guess). It is also very scrape-able, and exceedingly pinchable. Go ahead and think about that for a sec.

* They were long. The first thing I did — okay the second thing I did, the first was wash my hands, obvs — after taking this bastard out for the first time was FILE MY NAILS DOWN about an eighth inch, and redo their superthick manicure to render them less like scalpels.

NOPE.

The second way this gets unpleasant — 2) If you mash the sides of a squishy receptacle filled with gross liquid, where do you think that liquid goes? That’s right. It goes all over your hand. Ugh, uggghhh.

So, yeah. BREAKING THE SEAL. That’s the challenge. I’m finding that the best way to remove the RSG is to grab appx the bottom third of it, pinch/smoosh, and pull and twist it to break the suction seal because bloody silicone christ I swear that I’ve now got not only claw marks but possibly also hickeys up in there. It also can be helpful, while you’re pulling and twisting, to try to rotate it forwards — this seems to minimize the Hideous Gripping Suction somewhat.

VICTORY (MOSTLY). However, I’ve successfully inserted and removed it in one go every time! {Preens, flips hair.} The remaining challenge comes between removal and reinsertion. Obviously, the RSG must be washed before you put it back in. Equally obviously, I do not relish sitting there holding this thing in one hand whilst cleaning up. Not obvious (to you, at least) is that my bathroom sink is a solid four feet away from the commode. So, you know. I shake the stupid cup into the commode a couple times (gross), sort of blot it a bit (also gross), and toss it across the room to the sink.

Now. You will no doubt recall that silicone is a type of rubber, and rubber is quite bouncy. You may also know from interactions with amusingly-crafted dog toys that non-spherical shapes are likely to bounce in unpredictable directions. Like, say, back out of the sink and against the mirror or onto the floor. Right, so I’ve been cleaning up rather more little flung-blood droplets than I otherwise would’ve anticipated while I work out a better System. (I knew this was going to be a little messy, but I didn’t think it’d hit “Dexter’s Blood Spatter Experiments” level.)

ON THE WHOLE : I’m going to call this a success, and continue to use it for sure. Yes, the removal process is fairly annoying. But it only needs to be changed twice a day, which is DELIGHTFUL, and I had zero leaks. None. At all. Even the one time where it kind of felt weird and I wasn’t sure if I’d inserted/opened it up properly and I sat there messing with it for like five minutes until I eventually succumbed to a hysterical [literally] giggle fit and just gave up because I was wearing black pants and oh to hell with it. My tolerance for gore and body effluvia is fairly low — I CANNOT with the zit videos, and even cleaning up dog pee can trigger my gag reflex. But honestly? This was fine! I can handle this!

RECOMMENDATIONS : Get one! Try to remove/wash/replace it in a bathroom where the commode isn’t throwing-distance from the sink! Trim half the stem off if it annoys you! If you have discomfort from it, read Amazon reviews to find one in a smaller size or a softer silicone! These things only cost about the same as one or two boxes of tampons, so it’s definitely a worthwhile gamble.

My only real lingering complaint : You know if this were a dude product, it’d be called The Infiltrator or Excalibur 9000 or something. Why do all these things have such stupid effing ~lady names~? Not only are they vaguely patronizing, they’re also WILDLY INACCURATE and NOT AT ALL evocative of what you should expect. To that end, I submit these more apt monikers :

The Bloodbath
The Chalice of Gore
Abdominal Wound Simulator
The Jesus Christ Why Won’t It Open
You’ll Wish You Had Longer Fingers
SCHHHLLLLLLLLLLLORP

That concludes this Cupdate, which will likely be the last time I talk about My Area on this site, you’re welcome.

Got a Diva / Luna / Blossom / Dainty Tulip Of Divine Womanhood cup? Share your experiences so I don’t feel so alone in my RSG removal ineptitude.