HUMAN GUINEA PIG: Crest Whitestrips Professional

Hello, and welcome to the second installment of Human Guinea Pig, in which the writer very scientifically* documents their experience with a product! For Science! And Beauty!

*(Okay, not that scientifically; but HGP is intended to show how a product performs over time.)

TODAY : Crest Whitestrips Professional

LEFT : Sorry for the bashed box! RIGHT : This is why the box is bashed.
[My cats decided this box was the coolest toy ever and played street hockey with it. Sorry it’s so thrashed. Please accept this photo of the li’l shmittenses as recompense.]

One fun thing about plastering your face on an interweb blog is that you become hyperaware of your physical flaws. I love me some coffee (LEGAL STIMULANTS ARE YOU KIDDING ME), but it’s never before occurred to me that I ought to be self-conscious about the effects of that coffee–namely, that my teeth might be a tad more yellow than is socially acceptable.

(Yes, Sarah, I am wordy.)

TL;DR: My teeth be yellow. I wants to change that.



Yeah, my lips are all peely and gross. I’ll talk about that more on Friday!


After a lot of internet research, I bought the Crest 3D White Luxe Whitestrips Professional Effects. Amazon currently has it for $43.99, plus $5 off instant Amazon coupon. (It appears they’ve had this coupon since November–I’m guessing it’s a pretty common promo!)

Its claims:

-“Lasting, professional-level whitening results”

-“Removes 14 years of teeth stains for a whiter smile”

-“Uses the same enamel-safe teeth whitening agent dentists use”

-“Advanced Seal Technology’s no slip grip stays put so you can talk while whitening teeth”

-“The strip molds to the shape of your teeth and comes off cleanly”

-“A comfortable, no-hassle at-home teeth whitening experience”


It includes with twenty treatments (forty strips), meant to be worn one-half hour per day for twenty consecutive days.


First impressions:

This stuff is hella sticky. I tried Crest Whitestrips a decade ago, and they were aggravatingly slippery–keeping them on the teeth for the requisite amount of time was nigh impossible. These new and improved strips practically meld with your teeth; so while its “no slip grip” promise is true, the it “comes off cleanly” promise is demonstrably false–I have gluey residue on my teeth that necessitates brushing my teeth after application.

No noticeable difference after one use–I’ll check back with y’all in three weeks!

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“How’s the bimatoprost experiment coming, Finch?”

Really well! Thanks for asking! I’ve had less lash shedding than usual (and when I sort-of-accidentally tug on my lashes–old trichotillomania habits, unfortunately — I haven’t had any come out!). I haven’t yet noticed a difference in length or thickness, but I’ve had no adverse effects yet — not even redness or sensitivity. I’ll keep you updated!